


What if the butterfly was a dragon instead and died

by Legendary_Map_Maker



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Gen, Lavenza is a dragon, Not Beta Read, Out of Character, Persona 5 Spoilers, Spoilers, The Velvet Room (Persona Series), crackfic, no beta we die like men, this fanfic should not exist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:54:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25699894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Legendary_Map_Maker/pseuds/Legendary_Map_Maker
Summary: What if the butterfly in Persona 5 was a dragon instead? And what if it died? And what if Joker and Yaldabaoth became friends?
Comments: 8
Kudos: 18





	What if the butterfly was a dragon instead and died

**Author's Note:**

> I should not have written this.  
> You should not read this.  
> This fanfic should not exist.

“This truly is an unjust game, your chances of winning are almost none...”

“Holy shit! What the hell is that!” Ryuji shouted, pointing to the glowing blue dragon next to Joker.

“Are you my Persona?” Joker asked.

“Ahem...” Arsene tapped Joker's shoulder. “That would be me, motherfucker.”

“Guards,” Kamoshida started, “Execute them!”

“That man lacks pants... Allow me to rectify this.” The dragon shot fire at Kamoshida's legs. He fell down, and it appeared he was now wearing tight black pants. But looks can be deceiving; his flesh had been burnt off and charred. Meanwhile, somewhere in reality, Kamoshida's legs just stopped working.

“Y'know, this is surprisingly cathartic,” Ryuji said. “Y'know, seeing him with broken legs and stuff.”

Arsene cracked his knuckles. “Allow me to make them more broken.”

“I am thou, thou art I. Thou hast acquired a-:”

“Dragon!” Mishima shouted. He started to cry on the floor. “AaaaaaaAAAAHHHH!”

“Do you have to do that everytime?” Joker asked.

“Yes. Now, as I was saying: thou hast acquired a new vow. Thy bonds...”

“You may even use your bond with me for power or whatever,” Igor told Joker. He paused. “Ahem. This is where the 'I am thou' thing is supposed to happen.”

A blue dragon appeared next to Joker in his cage.

“How did you sneak in contraband!” screamed Caroline.

“Indeed, we were unaware you could bring belongings from reality with you into the Velvet Room,” the “nice” twin said.

“I am thou, thou art dead. Thou shalt be burnt alive like the overpriced sippy-cup you are.”

“Hey,” began Igor. “That isn't how it-:”

The dragon just breathed fire at him. A pile of ash now sat in his place.

“Can you please stop doing that!” Joker shouted. “How are we supposed to continue the story without Yalda-dude?”

The dragon shrugged.

“Why don't I feel upset you killed our master?” Caroline asked.

“I actually feel surprisingly delighted, as though a great joy is welling up within my heart,” Justine said.

“Does this mean I don't have to come here anymore?” Joker asked.

“No,” all three pieces of the same person answered.

“Okay, time for you to be fucking executed,” the fake Igor announced. He had a bandage wrapped around his nose even though it was now December, months after he was burned in April. “That's right, I fucking lived bitch. And I swear now too because getting lit on fire really fucking hurt.”

“Ah, now is the time for our dream to finally be realized.” The dragon appeared then landed between the two twins.

“Yeah... we aren't executing anyone,” Caroline said.

“Mhmm,” Justine agreed.

Igor pointed a cross bow at the dragon. “That's it. I'm fucking sick of you. First you broke my unnecessarily long nose---I mean seriously, how does your real master live with this?---and now you're interrupting my execution!”

“My master has been gradually shrinking his nose over the years,” the dragon answered. “Also, um, how do you humans say this?” She glanced at Joker. “One backwards card!” She shot fire at and burnt up the cross bow.

Joker dropped his head to his hand. “It's 'Uno reverse card' not...ugh!”

Yalda-bro walked up to Joker, took his gun, put it in Joker's hand, and placed the barrel on his own head. “Just shoot me now. Don't wait for Satanael. This stupid dragon is ruining all my plans.”

“She's been bothering me, too. I so much as breathe in the same direction as someone and BAM! She's there talking about vows while also freaking everyone out. Then, I hang out with someone a few times and AGAIN! She shows up to talk about blood, which really isn't helpful when I'm trying to calm someone down and tell them the dragon won't eat them. Don't get me started on when she showed up in the interrogation room... Okay, let me fuse them so we don't deal with the dragon anymore, and then I can kill you. Sound fair?”

“Fair.”

“Actually,” the dragon started. “We have decided not to fuse.”

“What!” two people shouted. You know exactly which two.

“I like being a dragon.”

“And I don't want to combine with Justine! No offense.”

“None taken, I felt the same about you.”

“Hey...” Caroline looked heartbroken.

Joker looked Yalda-person dead in the eye. “Do you have another cross bow?”

“That was a joke, right Joker?” Makoto asked.

“What do you mean?”

“How did you actually get this dragon-scale rug and these two blond wigs?”

A golden cup on the table in Leblanc started talking. “I can attest to his story. I was there.”

“Oh my god, that's horrible...”

“What?”

“You killed children, Joker!”

“Technically, I killed one child three times.”

“I think I'm gonna be sick...” Makoto ran out the door, her face green.

“Wait!” Joker yelled after her. “Can you tell Ryuji to come here! I bet he'll think this is cool!”

“I think I'm gonna be sick...” Ryuji ran out the door, his face green.

“I don't think any of your friends will like our story,” Yalda-cup said.

“Oh... I wish I was there,” Akechi groaned. “If I was there, we could have...” He then started listing disturbingly detailed ways they could have killed them. One involved an axe, one involved a rope, one involved a rubber duck, and another involved an iron maiden.

“I stand corrected.”

“You owe me 500 yen, Yaldy.” Joker turned back to Akechi. “And that's fucked up.”

“Well, the iron maiden was just an example. I know it's a bit boring... Do magical creatures need to eat? I know a few ways to make starvation slower and more unbearable!”

“You know they're kids, right?”

“Oh, you're right! I should've thought about methods that took advantage of their size!”

As Akechi continued to ramble, the cup leaned toward Joker and whispered “How the hell didn't he have a palace?”

“Because you decided to give him two fucking Personas.”

“I don't have to take this from you...”

“I think I'm getting thirsty...”

“Don't you dare drink out of me!”

“I'll give you something to drink!”

Joker spit in the cup. “Ugh! Ugh! Ew! I can feel the slime against my brain!”

Everyone in the café looked at the two, and Akechi paused his murderous fantasizing to join in the judging.

“What are you looking at?”

“Never seen a talking cup before?”

All of Joker's friends (except Akechi) were disgusted that Joker killed two kids and a dragon. The technicality that they were all one person didn't help. So he and his golden cup went on a difficult journey to bring her back to life.

The real Igor congratulated the two. “You two are welcome guests here, free to return at any time.”

“But master?” asked the traumatized Lavenza. “One of them imprisoned you, and they worked together to kill me!”

“And while I was imprisoned, I could do no more than watch. It was so horrifying I fear what they will do to me if I tried to banish them from this place.”

“Couldn't my siblings help repel them?”

“Elizabeth is still in love with some door, I have no idea where Margaret is, and is Theodore really going to help us?”

“No...” Lavenza just walked away sad.

Joker felt guilty. He asked Yalda-man “Do you think it was cruel of us to kill her?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

“Pardon me?” Igor asked. “Would you know of any effective counselors?”

“Is Lavenza that traumatized?”

“Now that you mention it, she may very well be. Truthfully, I was thinking more of finding one for myself. However, you are correct that I should find her one as well. Perhaps Theodore's therapist may help...” Igor then froze. It seemed he was thinking.

“Um... we're just gonna leave.”

Igor didn't respond.

The two guests left.


End file.
